Spider-Man’s web of lies: what would actually happen if you were bitten by a radioactive spider?

This year, perhaps more than any other, is make or break for the MCU. Once such an unstoppable pop culture colossus that even Martin Scorsese had a take on them, superhero movies have spent the last half-decade wobbling dangerously. The recent commercial disappointment of DC’s Supergirl is a sign that the public is still fatigued from all the endless variations on a theme, and it is into this minefield that Marvel plans to release two huge movies in the coming months, in the form of Avengers: Doomsday and Spider-Man: Brand New Day.

Will these films succeed where previous MCU films have suffered? Perhaps not now that science has revealed that Spider-Man is a lie. A new press release from Glasgow’s Kelvinside Academy has revealed precisely what would happen if Spider-Man was a real person who actually existed, and it isn’t pretty.

For starters, to state the obvious, being bitten by a radioactive spider isn’t particularly likely to give you any meaningful superpowers. Generally speaking spiders are so tiny that they would only be able to transfer a negligible amount of radioactive material. However, if the spider was big enough, and radioactive enough, and possessed good enough precision and timing to be able to bite Peter Parker directly on a testicle, then there would be a marginally increased risk of infertility.

Kelvinside biology teacher Ian Nicholson went further to poo-poo the notion of superpowers. “I actually know somebody who was bitten by a radioactive cat,” he said in the release. The cat was radioactive because it had recently undergone iodine isotope treatment for an overactive thyroid. Did Nicholson’s friend suddenly develop super cat powers, becoming able to vomit hairballs with deadly accuracy and crap on some gravel in times of great global jeopardy? No: “She was treated amazingly by the NHS.”

Similarly, web-swinging is equally unlikely. Physics teacher Ben Fitzgerald said that Spider-Man’s biggest danger would be badly maintained buildings, pointing out that, “if you’ve attached it to paintwork or old brickwork, there’s every chance the wall comes away before the web does”. But even if Spider-Man doesn’t splat to the pavement covered in loose bricks as soon as he enters a shoddy part of town, the rest of the web swinging is likely to tear him limb from limb.

The tension forces caused by the bottom of a swing at speed are roughly four times body weight, which would be enough to dislocate the shoulder, tear the rotator cuff, rupture the biceps tendon, damage the brachial plexus, and tear ligaments in the elbow and wrist. Changing direction at speed is also liable to cause whiplash, spinal compression, rib injury, organ bruising, retinal injury, concussion and vascular damage. There is also a chance that, if the web wraps around your wrist, you could de-glove all the skin from your hand.

This is important, because Marvel is banking everything it has on Spider-Man: Brand New Day being a success, and that will be hard to do if everyone’s disbelief is shattered by the sheer unrealism of what they see onscreen. Realistically, Marvel only has less than a month to fix this, recutting the scenes to show Peter Parker as a normal human with extensive organ damage, a comprehensively dislocated torso and one big red gonad. Then, and only then, will we find our way to regain trust in the MCU.

This isn’t part of the study, but early promotional material shows that the Incredible Hulk is also part of Spider-Man: Brand New Day. It is probably sensible to point out that the Hulk also fails to be an accurate illustration of what happens when you are exposed to an incredibly vast dose of gamma radiation. Forget increased size and limitless strength; instead you are likely to spend a few hours experiencing nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, weakness, confusion, headaches and dizziness until multi-system failure kicks in and you die in a state of terrifying agony.

Unless this is all depicted in Spider-Man: Brand New Day it is unlikely that anyone will be able to recommend it as a work of documentary. The same goes for Doomsday which, for the sake of verisimilitude, now requires Reed Richards to succumb to terminal connective tissue failure, Johnny Storm to die of extensive airway burns and Victor Von Doom to fall foul of infected pressure sores from having to wear that mask and outfit all the time. Hope this helps.